Man of the Year: A Head of Cabbage
FAFBLOG'S MAN OF THE YEAR 2004
2004 was the year of a head of cabbage! Its bold decisive leadership affected everything from the war in Iraq to the can-do inertia of the presidential election.
A head of cabbage always offered us steady leadership in times of change. When we wonder "what's goin on in this crazy world I do not understand" there's a head a cabbage bein a head a cabbage! Its reassuring vegetableness, its green leafiness, the way it looked natural on a farm, spoke to our deep cabbagey values. And it knew how to stick to its guns! When its critics complained that it was a bad cabbage or that it had food poisoning or that it had pointlessly launched the military into a nightmarish, unjustified quagmire, it knew just what to do: keep sittin there bein a cabbage.
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Very funny! Be sure to read on for a quiz on whether you are an ordinary American or not:
Answer the questions, score the points along the side accordingly, add up the total, and punch yourself repeatedly in the face. If you emerge swollen, bloody, yet filled with a strange sense of vindication, congratulations.
Homosexuals:
1. Are every bit as American as heterosexuals and fully deserve watered-down versions of our human rights.
2. Are entertaining, neutered, and on the other side of my TV.
3. Are going to Hell for the sin of Ickiness.
4. Are the product of Martian-human intermarriage and possess dangerous telepathic abilities.
Birth rates are:
1. Too high; other people should stop having children.
2. Too high; my political opponents should stop having children.
3. Too low; we'll never catch up to the Third World at this rate.
4. Too low; field mice alone have far outstripped us, to say nothing of bacteria.
Dinosaurs:
1. Are colorful cartoon characters easily marketed to children.
2. Coexisted with humans, as evidenced by The Flinstones and Land of the Lost.
3. Were planted in the fossil record by a whimsical trickster god.
4. Were destroyed centuries ago by the mighty robots who assembled us, as is sung in the Cycles of Iron.
Guns:
1. Are an essential tool for killing things.
2. Are an essential tool for the home which also happens to kill things.
3. Are what Jesus would've given the meek to take back the earth.
4. Are good. The gun kills men. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seed.
Sex:
1. Mostly happens on the internet.
2. Is dirty and BAD... but I LIKE it... but that makes me dirty and BAD... but I LIKE it...
3. Is a foul and terrible abomination of all that is holy until a priest/judge/clerk/pirate captain puts a ring on my finger and tells me otherwise.
4. Does not exist. Humans reproduce through budding.
Hollywood:
1. Wants me to watch shitty movies.
2. Wants me to oppose the Iraq War because of Martin Sheen; wants me to vote for actors who supported the Iraq War like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
3. Wants me to have gay sex.
4. Wants me to have gay sex with Martin Sheen and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The end of the world:
1. Will be slower and more painful than I can possibly imagine.
2. Will be a vast disappointment.
3. Must be hastened by strict adherence to a collection of ancient inscrutable animal prophecies.
4. Has already happened.
2004 was the year of a head of cabbage! Its bold decisive leadership affected everything from the war in Iraq to the can-do inertia of the presidential election.
A head of cabbage always offered us steady leadership in times of change. When we wonder "what's goin on in this crazy world I do not understand" there's a head a cabbage bein a head a cabbage! Its reassuring vegetableness, its green leafiness, the way it looked natural on a farm, spoke to our deep cabbagey values. And it knew how to stick to its guns! When its critics complained that it was a bad cabbage or that it had food poisoning or that it had pointlessly launched the military into a nightmarish, unjustified quagmire, it knew just what to do: keep sittin there bein a cabbage.
More ...
Very funny! Be sure to read on for a quiz on whether you are an ordinary American or not:
Answer the questions, score the points along the side accordingly, add up the total, and punch yourself repeatedly in the face. If you emerge swollen, bloody, yet filled with a strange sense of vindication, congratulations.
Homosexuals:
1. Are every bit as American as heterosexuals and fully deserve watered-down versions of our human rights.
2. Are entertaining, neutered, and on the other side of my TV.
3. Are going to Hell for the sin of Ickiness.
4. Are the product of Martian-human intermarriage and possess dangerous telepathic abilities.
Birth rates are:
1. Too high; other people should stop having children.
2. Too high; my political opponents should stop having children.
3. Too low; we'll never catch up to the Third World at this rate.
4. Too low; field mice alone have far outstripped us, to say nothing of bacteria.
Dinosaurs:
1. Are colorful cartoon characters easily marketed to children.
2. Coexisted with humans, as evidenced by The Flinstones and Land of the Lost.
3. Were planted in the fossil record by a whimsical trickster god.
4. Were destroyed centuries ago by the mighty robots who assembled us, as is sung in the Cycles of Iron.
Guns:
1. Are an essential tool for killing things.
2. Are an essential tool for the home which also happens to kill things.
3. Are what Jesus would've given the meek to take back the earth.
4. Are good. The gun kills men. The penis is evil. The penis shoots seed.
Sex:
1. Mostly happens on the internet.
2. Is dirty and BAD... but I LIKE it... but that makes me dirty and BAD... but I LIKE it...
3. Is a foul and terrible abomination of all that is holy until a priest/judge/clerk/pirate captain puts a ring on my finger and tells me otherwise.
4. Does not exist. Humans reproduce through budding.
Hollywood:
1. Wants me to watch shitty movies.
2. Wants me to oppose the Iraq War because of Martin Sheen; wants me to vote for actors who supported the Iraq War like Arnold Schwarzenegger.
3. Wants me to have gay sex.
4. Wants me to have gay sex with Martin Sheen and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
The end of the world:
1. Will be slower and more painful than I can possibly imagine.
2. Will be a vast disappointment.
3. Must be hastened by strict adherence to a collection of ancient inscrutable animal prophecies.
4. Has already happened.
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